Three things Thursday
1. I’m not a consistent blogger: I want to be. I try to be. I feel like I have nothing to say most days. I feel like most of my posts are whiny. I think if I’m going to be a consistent blogger I need to open myself to sharing the happy, the sad, the funny, and all of the other stuff in my life. I need to take more pictures. I need to be honest with myself so that I can be honest with you, that is if there is even any yous reading. It doesn’t matter though, this is my journey and my place to document that journey.
2. I’m losing weight again: This is something I’m happy about but, and isn’t there always a but, it has come from a very significant diet change. I’m also dealing with some fatigue which means I’m not able to exercise. Losing weight without exercise is scary to me because I’m not sure I’ll be able to maintain any loss. However I’m eating healthy and happy that the scale is going down not up. I hope to start exercising and running again soon!
3. I’m thankful: I’m thankful for the amazing people in my life. I’m thankful for The Don, thing 1 & 2, my troupe. I’m thankful for my family. I’m thankful for the support I have in my life. I’m thankful for being alive and the beautiful day, which I’m pretty sure sounds corny but who cares. I’m super thankful that tomorrow is Friday.
Honestly struggling
This blog post has been swimming around in my head for a while now. There are several reasons I haven’t written it, one of which is fear. Fear that I am a failure. Fear that I am broken. Fear that I really can’t do this. Fear that I’m meant to be fat and unhealthy.
All of those fears are total bullshit. None of them are true.
Have I reverted back to bad habits? Yes. Does that make me a failure? No.
Am I broken? No, I am NOT broken!
Can I make good/healthy choices? Hell Yeah I can
Am I meant to be fat/unhealthy? I’m pretty sure that if I don’t try then thanks to genetics probably but if I try then absolutely not.
I posted on twitter yesterday that I was struggling and I am. I’m struggling with adapting to the changes that have happened in my life over the last 6 months. I’m struggling with the negative self talk daily almost every minute of the day. I’m struggling with emotional eating and the sad cycle it makes happen – I’ve gained weight so I feel bad, I eat because I feel bad, I gain weight so I feel bad….do I need to keep going?
The worst thing though is that I’m struggling because I feel like I shouldn’t be struggling. In all honesty my life is going fantastically well right now. All those changes I mentioned, they are good ones. I’m in an amazingly happy relationship, I moved, I started a dance troupe, I have awesome friends, I have dance gigs at least monthly at this point. Yet I’m doing something, and this just occurred to me as I typed this paragraph, that I always do. I am focusing on taking care of others and not taking care of myself.
Holy light bulb moment batman!
Jan 2011 to Sept 2011 was focused completely on me. I ate the same dinner almost every night because there was no one else to feed. I worked out every night because there was no one waiting to see me in the evenings. I was completely focused on what I ate and what workout I was going to do.
Now I have other considerations. Now I need to practice balance. And that is hard.
So really my biggest struggle is learning that I need to take care of myself too.
This week I’ve been trying to make small steps to do this. Wednesday I opened my fitness pal and logged my food for the first time in several weeks (it has been 6 weeks since I was consistently logging food). Yeah I had about 2200 calories that day but I tracked everything I ate both resee’s egg included. Today I stopped eating when I was full instead of eating the whole bagel because it was there. I’m confident that if I keep focusing on the little things I will get there.
The other thing this week that has been a HUGE help to me has come in many forms.
1. One of my good friends told me, after a discussion about how I’m struggling and self hating, “perfect is boring, there’s nothing to learn or work on if your perfect”. If that isn’t profound I don’t know what it. Of course in that same conversation she also told me I need to “ya need to stop” about the negative talk. Seriously love that girl.
2. Blogs from four people, three of which I’ve never met but they said things I totally needed to hear. Thank you Dubyawife, Tara, Caitlin, and Emily.
So today I move forward. I make plans to take care of myself as well as the people I love. I replace those negative things I am saying to myself with positive things. I continue to struggle but know that the struggle is teaching me things and is totally worth it.
What are you struggling with today?
Friday five
Wow has it really been almost a month since I last posted something? I’m a terrible blogger.
Part of the reason I haven’t been posting with any type of regularity is that 1. I have no internet at home currently, 2. work has been busy so not time to post there, and 3. I haven’t felt like I have anything to contribute because the scale keeps going up.
Enough of the excuses because like with everything in life I need to find balance. So to recap the last few weeks here is some Friday Five Fun.
Five things I’ve done in the last month:
1. Signed up to run the Louisiana Marathon Half in Jan 2013
2. Signed up to run the Happy’s 5000
3. Set up 5 dance gigs in the near future
4. Danced a lot
5. Worked on finding balance
Five things I should have done more of in the past month:
1. Eat healthier
2. Run more
3. Strength train more
4. Slept more
5. Laughed more (cause really who couldn’t do with more laughter?)
Five things I’m really looking forward to:
1. Happy’s 5000 – I’m running with a friend for her first 5k!!
2. Dancing in NOLA this Sat
3. Dancing in Lafayette in a couple of weeks
4. Going out with The Don tonight
5. Sleeping in on Monday
Five goals for next week:
1. Track food
2. Drink more water
3. Drink less soda
4. Make a menu for the week
5. Make an exercise plan for the week
Five random things that are making me happy:
1. Lunch with the Twinkie
2. NOLA two nights in a row the weekend before Mardi Gras…yep I’m going tonight and tomorrow night but not going to a single parade
3. Red tulips
4. The Don
5. Friday afternoons
There not here
You can find me posting over at Dubya Wife’s blog today.
I’m honored to have the chance to share a post about finding balance there. I met Christine through twitter and then in person through a running group. She has been a huge source of inspiration for me over the last year.
So go on over and check out my post then stay a while and give her some love.
Negative thoughts
In the last 4 months I’ve allowed myself to slowly stop doing all the healthy things I had gotten into the habit of doing. As I crossed the threshold into a new year I realized that I needed to, and also wanted to, get back to all those things I had been doing. My body missed the healthy foods and exercise.
Two weeks ago I started exercising. I saw my trainer. I went for a run. I danced. This week in addition to exercise I started eating healthier, log my food, increase the water I’m drinking. All great things.
However the one thing I’m doing terrible with is being kind to myself. Everyday for the last few days I’ve been telling myself mean things.
I’m to fat to run
I’ll never get back to running comfortably again
I’m never going to lose weight
The list goes on.
Yesterday I was getting ready to leave work with the plan to go home, change, and then head to the park to run. I was talking to one of my friends and launched into the litany of self hating I can’ts. She was really supportive and said one thing that stuck with me “You got this”. It was simple but it hit a nerve.
I went home. I said hello to the kids and The Don. I changed clothes. I asked him if he wanted me to wait to which he said an emphatic NO and sent me on my way.
So I went to the park. I turned on the music and started walking to warm up. I also started to worry that I wouldn’t make it. These silly short intervals of running that so many people would laugh at because they so short and easy. They scared me. Then that beep happened and I ran. It was slow but I finished that first interval, then a second, then a third, then a fourth….I completed all six. Then you know what I did. I added a seventh.
I walked for another half mile to cool down and I cried. It was my third run. Have I lost a lot from where I was? Yep. Will I get it back and more? Yep. So those three words were true when I was told “you got this” and I felt like I certainly did have it.
All of this made me realize that my biggest hurdle is myself and the negative thoughts. I allow to many of those to happen. So I have another goal for the year. Stop the negative self talk. It does me no good and I’m sure everyone else is tired of hearing it. I know it won’t be easy but I know if I’m going to love myself by eating healthy and exercising then I need to also be kinder to myself as well.
How do you deal with the negative thoughts?
baby steps
This week I’ve been working on getting back on track. I thought I’d just be back on track full force like I was last year but I’ve found it not quite that easy. My circumstances are different now than they were then. I recognize that being on track will mean something different now. My circumstances now really drive home the need to make a lifestyle change. I want to be healthy. I want it for myself and for the people in my life.
So today I’m going to be thankful for the things that I have done this week and make a plan for what baby steps I’m going to make next week. I get the sense that making baby steps, small changes at a time, is going to be the key to really making lasting changes.
What I have done this week:
1. See my trainer
2. Make a strength training plan
3. Exercised 3 days in a row
4. Joined the Go the Distance challenge – goal for 2012 is 13,000 minutes of exercise.
What I will add to this next week:
1. 64oz or more of water
2. Food log
3. Meal plan
4. Measure/weigh my food
What do you do to get back on track?
One year later
One year ago yesterday I started to blog about my journey to a healthier me. In those 366 days I have done some pretty amazing things and some not so amazing ones.
Amazing things:
- Lost 35lbs
- Ran 3.1 miles
- Entered and completed my first 5k run
- Lifted weights
- Tried new things
- Started dating a great guy
- Moved
- Started a tribal bellydance troupe
Not so amazing things:
- Quit running
- Quit strength training
- Quit blogging
- Quit being accountable to myself and my support system
- Ate until I was overly full
- Let my goals to run 13.1 go
From all those things, both good and bad, I learned things. I learned lessons about myself. I learned that when I really want something I can make it happen. I learned that my motivation 366 days ago, while it seemed true, wasn’t rooted in a place it needed to be to last. Rather I was motivated but not dedicated. I truly had the desire to change but I underestimated the dedication required to make real life changes. When that dedication was tested by a new relationship, a super busy schedule, and being ill - I caved. I gave into dinners out or movies sitting on the couch instead of the run or the strength training. I let the excuse of being sick have more weight that it should for longer than it should.
I said to myself I was going get back on the wagon on January 1. Yet 10 days later I sit writing this post sick to my stomach from overeating at lunch. I’ve not been able to make myself do it. Is it from a lack of desire to change? Is it is because I can’t do this?
As I sit here looking at the year ahead of me I have to ask myself “what now?” Am I motivated? Am I dedicated? What are my goals? What do I want? Can I really do this?
The short answer is YES! I can do this. I want to, I need to, I have to.
I hate the way I feel as my clothes get tighter. I hate the way I feel when I over eat. I hate the way I feel when I am not exercising.
I love the way I feel when I eat healthy. I love not having to squeeze into my clothes. I love the way I feel when I am moving everyday. I love the way I feel when I run.
So for the next year here are my goals:
1. Run – two or three times a week. Build back up to running a 5k then work on adding distance because I will run that 13.1!
2. Strength train – two times a week with my evil trainer and once on my own if time allows
3. Dance – three times a week. One night of teaching and two nights of personal practice
4. Eat healthy and meal plan - more fruits, veggies and whole grains and a whole lot fewer processed foods. In order to not eat out so much because I have no plan make a food plan and cook more
5. Water, water, water – less soda, more water. less coffee, more water. Though I doubt I’ll give up soda and coffee all together.
6. Use my support system – talk to those people who support me when I’m having difficulty.
7. Build my dance troupe – a mental health related goal. My dance troupe is a support system and I want to build this troupe to something special.
8. Blog regularly – I forget how good it feels to get my thoughts in black and white. I want to get back to a regular blogging schedule to help keep me more accountable.
9. Spend time with family – yet another support system.
10. Yoga – get some zen in my life a couple of times a week.
Am I setting myself up for failure by having so many goals? I don’t think so. I am going to look at these things as life changes. Each day I will make a choice to do these things because I want to be a healthier me.
In the last year I’ve found that I need to be dedicated to make these lifestyle changes. In the last year I’ve also found lots of reason for having that dedication.
Is it November yet?
How is it that I keep letting more than a week pass between blog posts? It is simple…the last 7 weeks of my life have been B-U-S-Y!!! There has been so much going on and so much not going on.
Things I have been doing:
- work
- working at the gate with Inferneaux
- hanging out with friends
- hanging out with the new guy
- concerts
- football games
- dinners and drinks
- way to much fast food
- Maintaining my weight
Things I haven’t been doing:
- running
- walking
- strength training
- any exercise at all really
- eating healthy
- looking at twitter
- blogging
- getting to Happy’s on Tuesday
- losing weight
Now I’d love to say that I feel horribly guilty about all these things but I don’t. I’ve been living my life and this last month has seen some really huge changes and challenges. I’m happy I’ve maintained my weight. I’m ready to get back to eating healthy and exercising again. I miss running. I miss strength training. I feel like I need to eliminate sugar and soda and fast food from my diet for a long time. I’ve learned lessons over these last two months.
November 1st marks many things for me:
- my birthday!
- the end of the crazy busy time of October
- the start of eating healthy again
- the start of exercise again
- settling into a routine again
I know, because of some changes in my life, that I won’t have the luxury of being able to come out to Happy’s every week or spend every week night working out until 8 or 9. I’ll have to cook more and eat out less. I will however, with the support of wonderful people, be able to find balance. I’ll start running again, seeing my trainer again, losing weight again (I hope).
So I’m looking towards November, starting a new year of my life, happier and healthier than I was last year.
Friday!
Wow I just realized it has been 2 full weeks since I have posted anything. Life has gotten crazy busy. It had been a good busy. Though it hasn’t been great for my eating habits or my exercise. I’m still working on finding that balance that I need to make sure I’m moving forward on my journey to be more healthy and keep losing weight. I know I’ll get there.
Any tips on how you keep that balance between a busy life and being healthy?
So now let’s have something fun with some Friday Five action!
Five things that have made this week awesome:
1. Rock – n – Sake with friends.
2. Great shows at the gate.
3. The list of things I never thought I’d ever say to KT but did getting longer.
4. Unexpected lunch with friends.
5. Triple Chico Pass!!!! (this is a bellydance thing for those of you who were wondering)
Five things I’m doing this weekend:
1. The Gate with Inferneaux.
2. Birthday party with the most fantastically pink cake ever
3. Walking with a friend
4. Sleep – I hope
5. Seeing Evil Trainer
The last five people I talked to:
1. Jason
2. KT
3. J9
4. Ash
5. Manda
Five things I have to buy today:
1. Cookies for the zombies
2. Cannoli for Inferneaux
3. Fruit so I don’t eat the cookies or cannoli
4. Gas
5. Altoids mini wintergreen mints
Five things I look forward to doing:
1. Working on my Halloween costume
2. Getting my new phone (yay birthday present to myself)
3. Shopping for a birthday gift for someone else.
4. Working on the dance number with J9 and Angie
5. Planning out some fun dance stuff for the coming months.
Your turn…tell me 5 things about you.
Being honest
Well hello blog. It has been a long time. I’m not even sure people are still reading this it has been so long.
Where have I been? Well life happened. Nothing bad and lots of good life happened. Of course what that has lead to in the last three weeks is my exercise has been reduced, there have been more canolis and fewer veggies, there have been many late nights and not nearly enough sleep.
Where does all this leave me? I’m at a place where I need to be honest with myself and the goals I have. I need to reassess what I can realistically do and what I’m willing to push myself to do.
I know now that the half marathon in January will not be realistic for me. The next 5 weeks will be very busy for me and I will not have the time to dedicate to training. This does no mean I am giving up on that goal, it is just being put on hold until I can be dedicated to it. (Possibly the RnR half in NOLA)
I will be continuing to run. My goal will be to maintain 9-11 miles a week. If I can increase it I will but I am not going to push it.
I will continue to strength train with my trainer twice a week. I will continue to push myself with this because I’m feeling stronger and seeing the changes in my body.
I will continue to dance. I need to step up my home practice in addition to my classes. I’m now the director of a troupe and I need to make sure that I am refining my dance to give the girls in my troupe the best instruction and leadership I can.
I will continue to eat healthy. This has been a struggle the last few weeks because I’ve had such a crazy schedule. I need to make sure I’m packing snacks that are healthy because cookies, canolis and candy corn is not an appropriate dinner on Friday and Saturday nights.
This is where I am for the next 5-6 weeks. Once I get through The Gate season and things settle down I will reassess things again.
I do know that I am not giving up on anything. I may not be in training for a half marathon or even getting exercise in 7 days a week anymore but I will be working on me. I will continue to try to be the healthiest I can be because I feel happy when I am working towards that.
Mostly I am learning that life requires balance and I’m working to achieve that balance.
How do you find balance when life gets busy?
Do you #runla? I do
